Cigarettes

Hello dear friends,

Just a quick post here because this little chicken is exhausted!!!!

(edit- seemed to have taken 90 minutes so far!)

Most of Amelia's and Tom's Christmas presents are clothing, bedding and shoes that parents would normally buy throughout the year.

I would normally buy it anyway, so why not get it at Christmas!

We just give it to them at Christmas (and it is more name brand than normal!)

Today was wash day and get them put away into wardrobes amongst the general Christmas clean up!!!!



This is just a really quick post to thank you all for everything.


Seriously thankyou for the support and love.


Thank you for putting up with all the crap we have been dealt with (and my verbal crap)  and supporting us in all that comes next.

A massive HUG to those that that have been through the stress, pain, heartache and
"FUCK YOU".

It will continue coming and the more we smile and laugh, the more amazing life will be.

One life.

And the more "FUCK YOU" because it will continue.

Tom and Amelia have both shown Scott and I in the last 18 months that anything and everything can be turned into a positive.

We can work through it and add any medication, appointment and hospital stay to our regime!

Someone recently came to our house for about the fourth time for a visit.

She said "I never knew there would be so much laughter, sarcasm and affection here.
I thought it would be really sad".

(She is obviously nuts).

Amanda (me) has obviously not shown the paranoid, stressed and crazy part of herself enough yet (no mention of anyone else!).



Anyway...

This Post.

Tomorrow marks 7 weeks of post cigarette smoking.

NEVER  EVER  ACHIEVED.

HUGE

MASSIVE

We have tried to stop this addiction too many times to mention

(this addiction has been compared to heroin!)  

our attempts? sooooooooooo many times that it was a joke in the amount counted.

I think I got to 1039 attempts!

Patches failed.

Champix failed.

Cold turkey lasted 3 hours for Amanda - me!!!!!

(confusion occurring on who, when, why and how).



I am not going to list everything that has happened in our lives to stop smoking!!!

You all know the crappy list.


Going outside to "calm down, leave the hospital, hang up the phone from a doctor,  receive a pathology result, start the day etc" ...........

was a smoke.


WAS A SMOKE.


A child that you gave birth to is suddenly terminal at 7 years old in December 2010.

When you have no F'N idea.

Smoke.

Suddenly another is T1 Diabetes on Christmas Eve 2013.
When you have no F'N idea.

Smoke.


The final straw of smoking was the cost.

SO MUCH money.

$43 a packet of smokes of 40!


I know many of you need to recover from that comment.


But it is an addiction that many of you would never understand unless you lived it.

In the last 2 years it has risen in cost dramatically. Stupidly.


For those past and present smokers, remember when it was $7:50 for 40?

It is now $43.00.


Another final straw for us was also the cough and breathing and pain from yourself, in the chest laying down.


Overnight thinking you were having a heart attack.

OMG the slight pain and breathing.


38 years old and having trouble breathing?

The final straw was my own dad on his hands and knees asking "who is going to look after the kids when you are gone?".


"I can't".   he said.


He is pretty much the only one.


My dad has been the only regular constant.

His own body is shutting down.

Someone who is there every single week for us.


EVERY SINGLE WEEK.


He can't care for them anymore in his 70's.



Scott was 40 smokes a day.
I was about 20.

The money.

The debt.



"I am sorry Amelia and Tom , we cant afford what you want.

We have no money.................."



Is what we regularly said.



"I just need to stop at the shops for a $43 pack of smokes though on the way home"


Silently stressed.



This is what we regularly said and had no idea how we felt.


SERIOUSLY?

How fucked is that?!


I don't think I need to say anymore.


But maybe we do.

Maybe we did not and do not know how to stop.


We had tried and could not seriously function when we tried.
The racey mind and vision.


We would last like 2 hours and be in the car to buy some.

If you do not understand cigarette, heroin or ice withdrawn, you would not understand this.

It is shit.

And how cigarettes is legal, we have no idea!



We experienced serious withdrawal vision of....
Anger.
Blurred vision.
Agitation.

Crawled up in a corner........


The withdrawal from heroin or ice is exactly the same.
How is this nicotine shit legal?


We were so incredibly disgusted in ourselves.

But we did not know how to stop.

It was so upsetting!



After 28 years, cigarettes were equal with sleep and food in our daily requirements.

28 years of all day and everyday.

The budget included smokes with the so called "essentials".

We are now so ashamed.



It got us though Amelia's "terminal" diagnosis (thank you Kim for letting me have one or 50) and Tom's diabetes.



I am that upset now, SERIOUSLY, it is so embarrassing.

It was our food.



But then this one man changed everything.

The Hypnotist we booked............

A man that does stage shows, travels to Las Vegas and does AFL Club parties etc




7 weeks post hypnotism.

We feel like we are part of some sci fi movie where someone has opened our brain and removed the smoking component.



It is still hard.

But 85% less hard than normal.

We still fight with withdrawl, but it is minor compared to the other times.


It is actually easy compared to the other times.



But now you just eat or walk the dog or go to bed to battle with the withdrawls it is SO minor.


I am now the size of a house, BUT for the first time in FOREVER I don't give a f'n shit.

I know that weight can be lost, but smoking felt like it would never happen.

NEVER.


And it has.


IT SERIOUSLY HAS.

We have actually quit smoking.

The kids are still sceptical about us going outside, but Scott and I are like "you have no idea. It is like it has been taken out of our thinking!".

They will not understand for a while, because it is all that they have ever known!


Another finally.......


Tom's school report says he is 12- 18 months months ahead academically in reading, writing and maths areas.


We actually no longer care about this for his future.

And I mean that seriously.


Many people at his school (past and present) have pointed out (or messaged and emailed me) many other assets that they recognise in Tom that will be his assets in life recently.

Past and present teachers that want to add to the so called "portfolio" I am learning about.

It has been incredible and so emotional.

As everyone who knows me knows, I have read messages and letters that made me literally shake.

This child (Tom) caused SOOOOOOO much trouble earlier on in his life.

But we tried our best to stay strict and follow through with discipline.

I spent years holding his bedroom closed for timeout, even while people visited.
I took him home from birthday parties when he behaved badly.

The worst lasted 6 years.

I remember asking Scott "what does it mean if you love your own child, but don't like them as a person?".

(So many of you struggle on here with your own boys. You have messaged me or told me.
Please screen shot this or write it down. Look back on Tom and what has changed.
I honestly do not believe it was us. It was just him needing direction, structure, boundaries and "missing out").

I so incredibly appreciate all of the messages and emails.

He is starting to become what we spent 6 years creating.

Everyone seems to believe he will be so incredibly driven and determined that he will be whatever he wants to be.

He will be kind and caring and defend those being hassled.

(He already is from what I am being told and messaged).

I have received so many messages from parents this year complimenting him in various situations defending those being picked on.

"STOP" he apparently yelled and glared at bullies in front of everyone, witnessed by students, staff and parents this year.

I have actually asked staff and his friends and they described this.


Who could possibly ask for anything more?


Amelia is going to her first respite weekend in February.
It began as 2 kids from school that can verbally talk.

Amelia asked for me to approach the parents of 2 more children to come with them.
They have no communication skills.

One talks through a communication device as best as he can and the other cannot talk at all.

For the one that cant talk at all, I approached his mum and told her Amelia's suggestion for the weekend away.

"What?
Are you serious? "
 she asked.

"No one has ever asked to be with him and socialise with him.'
He is 15 and no one wants to be with him".

Then the mum began crying.

Well Amelia has asked for him to join her.
She just asked because she wants him there.

Imagine that.

As always I wonder, why have I been GIFTED these 2 kids.

I regularly feel like the postman or courier for Amelia and Tom.

But then I see other people and draw from their strength.

Is that my role in life or is it my energy for my personal weakness?
My role for the person that I needed to be?!

Very long "quick" message.

Sweet Dreams xxx

Love to all