The Mother

Hello dear friends,

I am writing to you all from the point of view of a full time carer and average woman.

A mother and a person.

I am NOT writing about my children.
Hopefully that will not get me into trouble!

I have decided that it is time to make a few changes around here as well as address a few personal issues.

Amelia and Tom are doing so incredibly well in so many areas, that my own personal life has come into focus.


I have gone crazy.
Literally.

I feel like I am possessed by the devil or something.

My mind is racing, I talk like I have ADHD and I verbally say ANYTHING!
I know this and I want to change it.
It feels weird.

For a lot of this year, I have shown my impatience, anger and low tolerance.
Whether it be in person, online or in my head.

It appears that I may be going through Early Menopause.

(Scott has cancelled the scheduled exorcism, thank goodness!).

I have shown displeasure at so many things that I do not have enough time to write them all.

Seriously.
It has been REALLY bad.

I thought that after 7 years caring for Amelia, full time, that it had all caught up to me.
I was seriously packing my bags to start a new life.......in my mind!

(and other crap that would scare you).

This year has been a serious mind fuck on so many levels and so many things have happened, I thought everything else was to blame.
My life has so many answers towards my behaviour, BUT all my behaviours were totally out of character.
Totally and absolutely.
I could see it and did not know the answer.

Scott started talking to me calmly (otherwise I probably would have punched him for the mood I was in) about early menopause.

I read the symptoms and it is "spot on".

We just need to wait on the blood tests now.
(otherwise I think I may be fucked and locked up in a mental institution).

After reading information of women selling their businesses in panic and leaving their families for isolation in country France, I finally feel sane.

Sane, that I am not alone.

Early menopause may be the answer to my recent behaviour.

(it looks like about 7 months that I have been REALLY odd. No jokes from close friends!).


Amelia requires constant care and persistent timing for needles and food.
She is intellectual and requires constant stimulation.
Even having visitors over or going out to friends places has Scott and I constantly helping her engage.

I give everything I can to both kids, outside of the basic house chores.
I want the most amazing life and opportunities for each child.

But recently I have put my hand up to both of them and said "No. Stop".

I am human too and I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

I do not have time to wash my hair or vacumn the floor.

I have finally accepted that I need help and to work through finding ME again.

Due to positive and healthy discussions with the kids recently, everyone is very excited about the meeting later this week about a fully funded carer to come and help me 10 hours per week with Amelia.
They can entertain Amelia while I fold washing, cook dinner or take Tom to kick the footy.

All the things Amelia calls out to me for during ......or I feel bad about .........or just generally do not have time for.

AND it is fully funded.

Part of my stress on financial and health issues will also be kind of taken care of with a booking made for hypnotherapy to quit smoking.

Both Scott and I.

A proven record and excellent reviews.
(we may be a test case with our stress levels!)

This is my life too and I need to actually live it as well.

(No children were really mentioned during this piece).

xxx

Having a break

Hi friends,

I have decided to take a long break from blogging indefinitely.

Times have changed, the culture has changed and our family has changed.

In December of this year, it will be 7 years since Amelia was diagnosed with Ataxia Telangiectasia.

So much has happened during that time and your support has been indescribable.

Amelia and Tom now take great offence to me writing about them.

People are more confident and willing to disagree and argue about the sensitive topics I write about.

Everyone is allowed an opinion and I will never disagree with that.
I just do not have the time or the energy to monitor what is said.

I am making a long list of what I personally would like to address and achieve, in the near future, and I am excited about it.
I have repeatedly lectured you all about living life and making every second count.
It is now my turn.

As a mother quite often does, I have made sure that happens for everyone else, except me and my marriage.
Scott and I are still amazing together, but we have become partners in parenting a 14 year old that still has the needs of a baby.
We do not have time alone or discussions without children.

We will finally be addressing the need for a permanent carer (that Amelia will get to know over many months) so we can actually have a night alone once a month.
Currently it is twice a year.

I cant even fold washing without Amelia constantly calling out to me.

This will require many forms to fill out and to source funding from goodness knows where.

I have enrolled in a "stress on carers" course and am aiming on 1 walk per day to clear my head.

Writing a blog as intense as this one takes it's toll and I need to start living again.
We all know I have lost many friends.
I now have panic attacks and struggle to leave the house.

I know I do not "publish" very often, but I am always writing........just not publishing.

I need to stop and smell the flowers again.

I need to find Amanda again, because at the moment she is lost.

xxx