Feb 2017

Hello friends,

So much pain and suffering happening at the moment with some of you and so much celebration and elation amongst others.

From one of my previous blogs, Scott (my husband and the kids father) found THE most amazing job.

He is working in the disability sector and could not be more perfect for it.
Scott is now coming home from work bouncing with excitement and talking with such "passion", it has blindsided the kids and I.
He has never been like this about a workplace.
It is amazing to see.

Personally, I have struggled since just after he began and I am accepting that it is ok.
It has taken a while of "beating myself up", but I think I now understand the reason.
(explained further on).

Scott had to leave work because of the nasty new management and the "after affect" of Amelia's cancer diagnosis.
He could not be the nasty person firing people and following the new heartless rules.

My blog thankfully introduced him to a new job opportunity to someone that knew his "situation" and embraced it.
Scott could be a possible asset.

I will be forever grateful to this person for contacting me.

The change in Scott is immense and everyone comments on it now.

Since Scott started working and the kids started school, I have fallen "in a heap".
Pathetic........ I KNOW!

I think the pressure of unemployment, me not being to work due to both kids illness/s and the stress of "what the fuck are we going to do" has caught up to me.

The financial stress is a killer.

Scott started work and came home with amazing stories and passion.
The kids started school and after some "teething" problems from their diagnosis/s they are now doing well.

I fell apart after they all left during the day.
I was SO angry about this.
WHY?
Scott is working!
The kids are back at school!

Why the fucking hell am I not coping?!
Why can't I leave the house?
Why is my mind and heart racing?
Why do I just want to stay on the couch ????!!!

I have come to the conclusion that I have held it together since Scott became unemployed.

Since Amelia's cancer diagnosis.
Since her subsequent Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
Since my own subsequent Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (since I thought Amelia had died during the operation for 15 WHOLE minutes).

Since Meredith's sheer hell of her 6 year old passing.
Through Gary Watson's sheer hell of Julia passing.

The pain may still be there, but the immense pain was over for me for a while.

My family all left.
My family all had school and employment.
Scott FINALLY had a job.
The kids were FINALLY back at school.

(please do not judge the 24 hours a day/ 7 day a week job of parenting a special needs child. It is constant. We have two. But we have 1 that gets upset at respite and needs everything done for her. EVERYTHING. I struggled with these school holidays because it was so exhausting).

In the last 12 days, I think I have let myself experience the suffering of not "having to" hold it together.

It all caught up with me and I could not physically move or leave the house.... for days.
It is still partially happening.
The kids are back at school.
Scott has the perfect job.

Amelia is happy and Tom is happy and Scott is happy.

I will now work on making me happy after partially "holding it together" for months.

xxx