Dear Everyone,
Tomorrow 2016 ends.
Thank you.
Thank you for the messages, love and support when I was sitting in Royal Children's Hospital, petrified of losing Amelia sooner than any of us had predicted.
Thank you for supporting our whole family in what has been a difficult and emotionally challenging year from multiple directions.
Thank you for your friendship.
It has not gone unnoticed and is definitely appreciated to beyond the point any of you would imagine.
Thank you for being there.
Amanda
xxx
P.S.
This is one of the songs that got Amelia and I through the hospital stay.
Thank you for making us feel this way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwB9EMpW8eY
Friday 30 December 2016
Friday 23 December 2016
End of 2016
Hello everyone.
Feeling quite reflective tonight.
Julia's funeral was today and it was beautiful.
It is the end of what has been a difficult year full of emotions and heartache, but tonight I want to post about Amelia.
She is doing SO well.
Post operation, post cancer and post hospital she suffered from Post Traumatic Stress.
She hated the world, she hated her life and she hated anyone and everyone.
It was 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for months.
It was really hard to look after her and live with her.
For Scott and I, we would regularly debrief once the kids had gone to bed.
One night Scott asked me "How do we pick ourselves up and get back to being happy?".
"Feed off Tom" I answered. "His love and enthusiasm of life will get us through".
And it did and it has.
Amelia finally got back to see HER horse at Riding For the Disabled.
That first day was quietly magical.
Holly the horse actually licked and appeared to be kissing her.
Amelia's smile and the very beautiful connection between the two of them was amazing to watch.
I came home to Scott and explained how I had seen a small snippet of the old Amelia.
Animals have always brought out happiness in Amelia so we began moving our focus and conversations towards our pets a lot more.
The laughter that brought, surrounding the animals personalities, was another help.
Music.
Amelia has what she now calls her "Inspiring music".
We put it on loud and proud.
Maltesers.
I have taught her "emotional eating" and we now regularly eat them and talk about how shit things can be.
Shopping.
Amelia is a shopaholic but she now has a 2 week time limit after 1 outing before we go again.
She thinks she is funny to now ring Nana and say "We are going shopping on ..... day" so Nana can join her in hassling me to go! (Nana can no longer drive).
Amelia's school.
I requested a meeting soon after the hospital stay so I could explain what she had gone through, her limitations, anxiety and PTSD (even though staff members had visited us regularly).
Amelia demanded to come because part of her PTSD was that you DO NOT discuss the cancer or hospital visit.
Everyone told me she had lost even more control of her life and to let her go.
Give her some control back.
The 7 staff members in the meeting were amazing.
They explained the importance of Amelia telling them what, when, where and why.
She was in control.
Relay for life was a massive step forward for Amelia.
(A cancer fundraiser where people join a team and share walking from 4pm Saturday-11am Sunday).
Doing the first lap, the Survivors lap, was huge for her.
She even demanded to come to the planning/committee meetings.
Seeing her face at being the leader of the final lap helped me truly believe OUR Amelia was coming back to us.
Then began the excitement of little things.......
Birthdays, her school Ball and now Christmas.
We now speak of "the positives" on a regular basis and I can say Amelia is truly back.
Her quick wit and humour has us all in hysterics again.
Her empathy for others has also returned.
She insisted on buying Meredith a gift this week for her first Christmas without 6 year old BJ.
She knew what she wanted and spent her own money.
Yesterday, Amelia said to me "I am so sorry you have had such a horrible year with bad stuff happening Mum".
After a moments silence I said "You know what? I have actually had a really good year. You are still here".
We could have, would have, should have lost Amelia if all of the things that did fall into place in June hadn't happened.
Amelia is still here and for that I am grateful.
Have a wonderful Christmas everyone.
xxx
P.S Can no one say "Next year will be wonderful".
I did last year and set up this blog in anticipation.
"Hope you have a fucked up 2017" will be fine.
Feeling quite reflective tonight.
Julia's funeral was today and it was beautiful.
It is the end of what has been a difficult year full of emotions and heartache, but tonight I want to post about Amelia.
She is doing SO well.
Post operation, post cancer and post hospital she suffered from Post Traumatic Stress.
She hated the world, she hated her life and she hated anyone and everyone.
It was 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for months.
It was really hard to look after her and live with her.
For Scott and I, we would regularly debrief once the kids had gone to bed.
One night Scott asked me "How do we pick ourselves up and get back to being happy?".
"Feed off Tom" I answered. "His love and enthusiasm of life will get us through".
And it did and it has.
Amelia finally got back to see HER horse at Riding For the Disabled.
That first day was quietly magical.
Holly the horse actually licked and appeared to be kissing her.
Amelia's smile and the very beautiful connection between the two of them was amazing to watch.
I came home to Scott and explained how I had seen a small snippet of the old Amelia.
Animals have always brought out happiness in Amelia so we began moving our focus and conversations towards our pets a lot more.
The laughter that brought, surrounding the animals personalities, was another help.
Music.
Amelia has what she now calls her "Inspiring music".
We put it on loud and proud.
Maltesers.
I have taught her "emotional eating" and we now regularly eat them and talk about how shit things can be.
Shopping.
Amelia is a shopaholic but she now has a 2 week time limit after 1 outing before we go again.
She thinks she is funny to now ring Nana and say "We are going shopping on ..... day" so Nana can join her in hassling me to go! (Nana can no longer drive).
Amelia's school.
I requested a meeting soon after the hospital stay so I could explain what she had gone through, her limitations, anxiety and PTSD (even though staff members had visited us regularly).
Amelia demanded to come because part of her PTSD was that you DO NOT discuss the cancer or hospital visit.
Everyone told me she had lost even more control of her life and to let her go.
Give her some control back.
The 7 staff members in the meeting were amazing.
They explained the importance of Amelia telling them what, when, where and why.
She was in control.
Relay for life was a massive step forward for Amelia.
(A cancer fundraiser where people join a team and share walking from 4pm Saturday-11am Sunday).
Doing the first lap, the Survivors lap, was huge for her.
She even demanded to come to the planning/committee meetings.
Seeing her face at being the leader of the final lap helped me truly believe OUR Amelia was coming back to us.
Then began the excitement of little things.......
Birthdays, her school Ball and now Christmas.
We now speak of "the positives" on a regular basis and I can say Amelia is truly back.
Her quick wit and humour has us all in hysterics again.
Her empathy for others has also returned.
She insisted on buying Meredith a gift this week for her first Christmas without 6 year old BJ.
She knew what she wanted and spent her own money.
Yesterday, Amelia said to me "I am so sorry you have had such a horrible year with bad stuff happening Mum".
After a moments silence I said "You know what? I have actually had a really good year. You are still here".
We could have, would have, should have lost Amelia if all of the things that did fall into place in June hadn't happened.
Amelia is still here and for that I am grateful.
Have a wonderful Christmas everyone.
xxx
P.S Can no one say "Next year will be wonderful".
I did last year and set up this blog in anticipation.
"Hope you have a fucked up 2017" will be fine.
Wednesday 21 December 2016
2016
Hello everyone.
Thank you for all of the messages, love and hugs over the last few days.
This year has been what can only be described as horrific.
So much pain and heartache from many around me, that my insides ache.
What began as "minor situations" (compared to what has happened since) has turned into catastrophic.
I am what is described as an "empath".
I listen to peoples stories and heartache and absorb it.
If you think I am being vain or trying to say "I am awesome" ........ please don't!
It is horrible and I honestly wish it did not happen to me.
Scott is used to me coming home, drinking wine and crying my eyes out over "this amazing person who is going through so much".
But this year has seen me absorbing my own daughters pain, stress and fear of dying.
For 3 weeks I did not eat due to her depression as well as my own over the shock of her cancer diagnosis while we were in hospital.
Visitors would come in and tell me off for not eating.
"Why eat when I know I will just vomit from stress" I would say!
3 whole weeks, 24 hours a day of being in the same room as her while she cried, groaned and asked for constant reassurance.
3 whole weeks of wondering if her underlying disease will NOT be the thing that shortens her life. That this malignant tumour would be.
Then my beautiful Meredith lost her 6 year old due to an aggressive brain tumour.
6 months from diagnosis.
6 fucking years old.
That is seriously shit.
And now Julia.
Very rarely have I found a connecting friendship in someone other than Scott.
I found one with Gary, Julia's husband, years ago.
He is someone I can just be "me" with and not worry about judgement.
He is a true friend.
Whether he speaks or not, I absorb his pain.
My heart aches and my emotions are all over the place, but I know that my true friends have my back.
Another friend has just found out her husbands "lump" is NOT cancer.
I could go on, but I won't.
This has been a seriously shit year for so many.
Tonight's blog is more about looking at yourself and those around you.
If a lump was found on your body tomorrow (which is a big possibility).
If you were confronted with possible death in the future, would you look really deeply into yourself and say "I am a good person and am proud of who I am?".
This afternoon I was honoured to be asked to meet the most amazing teenager that has had one single person turn her world against her with his lies.
I hope she listened when I reminded her that she is amazing and people can be judgemental and cruel.
Don't be one of those people.
Make your life amazing.
Have no regrets at the end.
Julia did that.
I am making sure Amelia has that too.
I will also make sure this young girl experiences the goodness that is in life too.
There ARE good people out there.
I truly believe that.
xxx
P.S The link below is MY song to Amelia.
P.P.S I am now adding it to Meredith, Julia, the teenager who has been hurt horribly and the other teenager who is going to help me help her find "the light" again.
Be a good person people.
You have ONE life.
Make it memorable.
xxx (again!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2GFx7yrtMg
Thank you for all of the messages, love and hugs over the last few days.
This year has been what can only be described as horrific.
So much pain and heartache from many around me, that my insides ache.
What began as "minor situations" (compared to what has happened since) has turned into catastrophic.
I am what is described as an "empath".
I listen to peoples stories and heartache and absorb it.
If you think I am being vain or trying to say "I am awesome" ........ please don't!
It is horrible and I honestly wish it did not happen to me.
Scott is used to me coming home, drinking wine and crying my eyes out over "this amazing person who is going through so much".
But this year has seen me absorbing my own daughters pain, stress and fear of dying.
For 3 weeks I did not eat due to her depression as well as my own over the shock of her cancer diagnosis while we were in hospital.
Visitors would come in and tell me off for not eating.
"Why eat when I know I will just vomit from stress" I would say!
3 whole weeks, 24 hours a day of being in the same room as her while she cried, groaned and asked for constant reassurance.
3 whole weeks of wondering if her underlying disease will NOT be the thing that shortens her life. That this malignant tumour would be.
Then my beautiful Meredith lost her 6 year old due to an aggressive brain tumour.
6 months from diagnosis.
6 fucking years old.
That is seriously shit.
And now Julia.
Very rarely have I found a connecting friendship in someone other than Scott.
I found one with Gary, Julia's husband, years ago.
He is someone I can just be "me" with and not worry about judgement.
He is a true friend.
Whether he speaks or not, I absorb his pain.
My heart aches and my emotions are all over the place, but I know that my true friends have my back.
Another friend has just found out her husbands "lump" is NOT cancer.
I could go on, but I won't.
This has been a seriously shit year for so many.
Tonight's blog is more about looking at yourself and those around you.
If a lump was found on your body tomorrow (which is a big possibility).
If you were confronted with possible death in the future, would you look really deeply into yourself and say "I am a good person and am proud of who I am?".
This afternoon I was honoured to be asked to meet the most amazing teenager that has had one single person turn her world against her with his lies.
I hope she listened when I reminded her that she is amazing and people can be judgemental and cruel.
Don't be one of those people.
Make your life amazing.
Have no regrets at the end.
Julia did that.
I am making sure Amelia has that too.
I will also make sure this young girl experiences the goodness that is in life too.
There ARE good people out there.
I truly believe that.
xxx
P.S The link below is MY song to Amelia.
P.P.S I am now adding it to Meredith, Julia, the teenager who has been hurt horribly and the other teenager who is going to help me help her find "the light" again.
Be a good person people.
You have ONE life.
Make it memorable.
xxx (again!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2GFx7yrtMg
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