Cannot Sleep

Hello.

I cannot sleep.

I currently have a blog that is ongoing because I do not have "enough" information to publish it just yet.
It is not completed to give it enough justification.

Tonight I woke with a horrifying realisation on what is my reality.

I am like a bull at the gate at the moment (sorry if that is not a proper phrase. Scott always tells me that I make up my own phrases!).

Tonight I have awoken in the middle of the night remembering that I have a child that is slowly dying.
I don't know why, but I have.

While preparing for the local council's "hard rubbish" pick up, I have sorted through photo's of the past few decades.
Many of these photo's feature Amelia walking, running and playing next to me or others.

Today I quickly tossed them aside.
But it has really resonated with me tonight.
Amelia refuses to look at them.

I now feed Amelia, toilet her, shower her and have great difficulty understanding her.

But back then?
She was happy, social, friendly and attempted to tackle everything.
She had SO many friends and had a massive social calender.

Now I battle with her anxiety, anger and sadness.

I battle with my own anxiety and depression!

And then there is her brother who is 3 years younger.

What is going to become of him?
When she passes, how is that going to affect him?
They absolutely adore each other and I worry about the life he will lead afterwards.
More cancer scares (which is highly likely) or illnesses that will affect his education and own anxiety.

Tom has the capabilities to "make something" wonderful of himself.
Whether it be entrepreneurial, or just an amazing, caring human being....
I don't really care.

I just do not want him to spiral into mental illness or addiction.

Normal life worries for any parent, hey?

xxx