2019 has been one of great personal growth for many in our household.
Tom has begun his secondary schooling at a place where he barely knew anyone.
He has made friends, sporting teams and extension classes in lessons.
He has also shown them that HE IS Tommy and HE IS active and that he DOES NOT STOP talking!
Amelia has exploded in confidence, attitude and ideas on what she wants to do and when.
She still has moments of severe anxiety over situations and how/when/where/why we are going to do or achieve anything we have planned. But they are not as regular anymore.
She is extremely happy and DOES NOT STOP talking.
I have found a purpose to leave the house daily and help others, while they are also helping me in return (both openly and silently).
I have made the choice to give up alcohol and bad food indefinitely and I feel amazing for it.
My day is not quite adjusted yet to include rest, but I hope with time, I will learn to include it.
I have pushed through a barrier of social anxiety that has been slowly building for the last few years and am talking, smiling and learning names in social groups that I have always stood far away from.
Scott is his kind, funny, helpful, usual self.
Last week I watched Scott partner Amelia at her Debutante Ball.
As they both walked (and wheeled) out, I looked at the previous 3 months of research by Amelia.
Her dress.
Her hair,
Her make up.
All researched by herself on her ipad...............
With hands that can barely function anymore.
I saw a Father containing the pressure of this moment and the importance of his role.
I saw his mind filled with the dance steps that were about to come, crammed between the stress of learning and studying them.
Then I saw him look down at Amelia as they stopped when they reached the end of the initial walk.
The look could only be described as proud, admiration and pure love.
As I looked around at the many family members and friends that had paid a lot of money to attend, I saw tears, tissues and pure love directed towards those 2 people that were currently on stage.
I looked at Scott and Amelia and felt relief.
Relieved that we had succeeded in achieving so much for this night.
But I also felt an overwhelming surge of emotion that I could not understand or describe.
As 17 more Debutante's made their way out individually, the love, acceptance and support from their own family and friends was an honour to witness.
For the past week, I have been extremely tired and a little flat in my mood.
Many of you would know about how I struggle with how to deal with my emotions after a large event concerning Amelia.
Should I have cried?
I have felt like crying everyday since The Deb..........WHY?
The overwhelming surge of emotion has been still lingering around me and I have found myself confused and almost disorientated with myself.
I am very good at knowing myself through analysing and processing and accepting my feelings in the last few years from writing. I find answers and solutions that way.
This one took a long time learn.
Once I realised the answer, I felt a wave of relief, happiness and contentment.
In my previous blog, I spoke of my two mantra's concerning Amelia and just some of the amazing moments that have been added to her life through so many hundreds of people.
Over the past 9 years, many of you have followed the journey inside my head from the very beginning of fear, sadness, acceptance, anger and hope.
(This is the link to the previous blog.......
https://ameliasproject.blogspot.com/2011/02/amelias-project.html?fbclid=IwAR083Eo4hVAh9fVNLBsw5nHx2MNYx2a4woZU_c6vntVWHnOW-PY5mBYOVvY
All of the entries of my personal journey accepting Amelia was Terminal in her disease are in the Archive section down the right hand side. Start from the bottom.)
But this was a feeling and realisation that I had never experienced.
This was for the two Mantra's.
For all the pressure put ON myself BY myself.
For all the planning, preparation, asking, making, doing and stress to create an amazing life for someone else, where there is no regrets at the end.................
I am at peace.
I am happy with what has been achieved.
I realise that I looked at Amelia and saw everything in that moment that I set out to achieve in January 2011.
Her life even over the last 16 years flashed quickly through my mind.
Amelia IS having an amazing life.
And I will definitely NOT have any regrets at the end.
No more pressure.
Just Pure Love.
xxx
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