Our Hell Part 3

"I don't like you" Amelia said through gritted teeth.

She was saying it to the surgeon that would be removing the "mass".

The surgeon had been explaining to my parents and I what she knew from the MRI of Amelia's abdomen.
She was explaining to all of us what her plans were in the surgery.

Amelia had requested that all discussions with doctors be held in front of her.
This was the first sign that it was no longer a good idea.

Amelia is never nasty and has never told someone she doesn't like them.
The enormity of this situation was too much for her to process, especially when a doctor is explaining what would happen after she was cut open.
Amelia was overwhelmed and becoming distressed.
We had to start remembering that she is only 13 years old.

We entered another room to be told that the mass needed to be removed whole.
If it was malignant, there was to be "no spillage", nothing left behind.
The cut would be substantial due to the size of the mass and the fact it needed to not be damaged upon it's removal.
It was to just be lifted out.

At this stage at least one ovary would also be taken.
The surgeon wanted to avoid taking the second one, if it showed no sign of being joined or affected.
A child of Amelia's age needs at least one ovary to assist with overall growth and development.
Hormones, female growth and healthy development during the teenage years.
If she did need to take the second ovary, Amelia would need to take HRT for the rest of her life.

The appendix was going to be removed.
The MRI showed it was damaged from the mass.
It was either joined, affected or had just been pushed so hard by this foreign entity.
It was also causing the pain Amelia complained of in her right side.

Biopsies would be taken of all surrounding organs and "a wash" conducted.
The wash would identify any "foreign cells" floating around.

They were going to try and identify, if it was cancer, where it had spread, if anywhere.

Nothing will be known till after the surgery.

There were mixed opinions between Gynocology and Oncology about how long it would take to find out whether the mass was malignant and, if it was, if it had spread.
Gynocology said they have had patients wait up to two weeks for results.
Oncology said three days.

On the sixth day of admission, it was decided we should go home until the operation.
It was five days until they would operate.
Amelia was so depressed and anxious, they thought a few days leave may pick up her spirits.
It was Tom's 10th birthday on the third day and it was hard to imagine us not being at home to help him celebrate reaching double digits.
I also knew it was important for Tom's emotional wellbeing that we be there for him on the day.

A final "discussion" was had outside Amelia's room before we left.
Through the door, I could see Amelia becoming distressed.
I pointed this out to our doctors and said "I need help. I need help getting her through this", but all they could offer us was more tablets.

As I walked back into her room, I pulled up a chair next to her, getting ready to calm her down, yet again.

Amelia was at a stage where she was SO angry and SO frightened.....
I was never going to be successful.

I held her hands and cried many tears as she repeatedly said......
"Why me? Isn't my A-T enough?".

Finally she stopped and said "Why are you crying?"
"Because I am scared" I said.
She stared at me for a while and finally said "Me too. But you are not the one that has to have the operation".
"No. I am not. But you are a part of me, so the pain and worry and being SO incredibly frightened.....I feel too. I am your mum and I have to look after you before, during and after all this. I am hurting watching this happen to you".

We both cried for a long time before I attempted to get her home for a few days.