The end of an era

Tonight, as I sit here with my husband and children, I reflect further on our future.
It is evening time on New Years Eve 2015 and we are having a "quiet one" after Amelia spent this morning vomiting.

Continuing on from the previous post........

I know so many of you have been living each day as I have.
Many or you are past such personal growth and many of you are lucky enough to never have touched such feelings and emotions.

But I am documenting my journey and my journey only.

After so much growth and change in five years.......
I have narrowed down my own personal growth to two areas.

Within and without.

Both battles are as big as each other and will take a while to learn and master.
Maybe they will be an ongoing battle.
I do not know.
Maybe we never learn to master the battles, but just like grief, it gets easier.

My battle "within" encompasses so much.
Self esteem.
Self confidence.
Smiling.
Laughing.
Being thankful.
Being grateful.
Looking at the positives.
Stop putting pressure on myself to shop, clean, wash, be a good mum, wife and have time to rest.
Continuing to adjust to a working life.
Dwelling on friendships lost.

So much.

This is not a New Years Resolution.
It is just what I have identified needs helps for the whole family to move in a healthy direction forward.
I need to stop worrying, thinking and stressing about these things.

One life.
One life cannot be consumed with such debilitating thoughts anymore.

The "without" growth is what really pulls me down.

People who do not treat me as I treat them.
I see people share posts on Facebook like this all the time.
But when it is REAL and when it is constant and stays within your thoughts, it is not healthy.

It is a situation with so many of us.
For many people it can mean family, friends or workplace.

We do not deserve it and they do not deserve us.

I am making the bold move of "moving on".
Even if it is extended family.

They have no right to drag us down to their negative level.

I need to do it for my Scott, Amelia and Tom.

Scott and I have always accepted and welcomed anyone.
I will not let past experiences make me a "hard" person.
I am not and will not be a "hard" person".
I do not want, nor will have a "guard" up.

I am me.

I am kind.
I am supportive.
I love those around me with all my heart.
ALL MY HEART.
But I will stand up for what I believe in.
I will stand up for those around me.
Even if it is online.

What has this got to do with Amelia, you ask?

I will be a better mum.

And this is my life too.

Happy New Year Friends.

xxx

A New Beginning

Hello and Welcome.

Welcome to my life, my thoughts and my feelings.

It is a very euphoric feeling to open yourself up and reveal all that you are to friends, family and the general public.
But my life deserves to be shared.
Just like anyone else, it has it's ups and downs.
It is how you react to those individual situations that shows the kind of person you are.
In my case it has shown me the person I also want to be.

I am not new to "blogging".
I have done it for 5 years on another page.
It is fate that my site will no longer allow me to post.
It has been my psychologist, my guidance councilor and on many occasions, my healer.

But now I am beginning on a new pathway.
A pathway that is already taking a great weight off my shoulders.
It is changing the way I look at my future and the future of my family.

Let me explain.........

5 years ago our beautiful, amazing, magnetic 7 year old daughter was diagnosed with a very rare genetic disease called Ataxia Telangiectasia.
The photo above was taken a few weeks ago by Bec Brindley Photography.
We were told by our "world renowned" Royal Children's Hospital to take her home and "cherish her".
The base of her brain was disappearing and there was no cure or treatment to help us.

That's it.
She is going to die.

The outpouring of grief was overwhelming.
The fundraising sent us to Disneyland and got us a wheelchair accessible car.

But now people have moved on with their own families lives or moved on for different reasons.

We are still here.
Amelia is still here.......but deteriorating.
She is 12 now.

Our now 9 year old son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes two years ago.
He has to inject himself with insulin twice a day and monitor eating, exercising, EVERYTHING.

Life has been difficult, to say the least.

But this is where "our new beginning occurs"...........

The other night I was unable to sleep.
So much has changed and happened in the last 5 years.
I have seen myself and those around me reveal so much in who they truly are.
I have been able to witness a great many positives as well as negatives in personalities, including in my own.

And then it hit me, really hard and really fast.
The only way to change this.
The only way I can change this.
The only way we can continue forward.......
We need to change.

I don't want to be the "poor you" person anymore.
I don't want to be "the mum of a terminally ill child" anymore.
I just want to be a mum.

I no longer want the weight of creating "an amazing life" for Amelia on my shoulders.
I am drowning from the pressure of my own mantra now.
What may have worked 5 years ago, is no longer working now.

Thankfully Scott sat with me while I sobbed and shook uncontrollably.
We discussed all that I need to change.

2016 is a new beginning.
You are welcome to join us.

The old blog is Part 1 of my book, but I am so looking forward to Part 2.

Happiness is not a destination.
It is a way of life.

I look forward to you joining us on this new journey.

xxx